Hi Mom,
I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. Yesterday was
the 4th anniversary of your Angel Wings. How is that possible? Sometimes
it feels like you’ve been gone forever, and sometimes it feels like if I pick
up the phone and dial, you’ll answer with “Hi Ree” and everything will be as it
was.
I could use a Mom hug right now. I can feel your hands in my
hair. Smell your Estee'. See the fire of love, determination and connection in
your eyes.
Mom, I have breast cancer. How is that real?? But it is. K
and I met the surgeon today. Lovely woman. Bright, thoughtful, kind. A beautiful
smile. And most important to me, she treated me as an intelligent person with
thoughts of my own, ideas, plans, feelings.
If I could talk to you while you stroked my hair, I would
tell you that it, not MY cancer, but THE cancer, is all the good things cancer
can be, like slow growing, small, early and isolated, but it is insistent I
address it in real time. I’ve been scheduled for conservative surgery in 3 weeks’
time, followed by radiation for 3-5 weeks. I have a couple of additional tests
in the works, which may change that plan to a more aggressive surgery profile,
but for now, we will start with the reasonable.
Mom, you and I know I’ve endured worse. And yet… I sit here
a little numb, a lot mad, and not just a bit scared. But I also am thankful. I’m
thankful for fancy diagnostics, with computers to assist and Drs who make it
their life’s work to catch and call out and treat. I’m thankful for resources
and space to do what needs to be done. I’m so very thankful I am not alone. I
know I have legions who care. I have my Angels who are surrounding me, holding
me, begging for me. I know beyond any doubt that I am loved.
I learned many things when Jen was battling, and dying. The
biggest thing I learned: Love is everything. Love is all there is.
I Love You
