Do you ever wake up in the morning and just think "I don't wanna?" I don't wanna get out of bed. I don't wanna go to work. I don't wanna talk to anybody. I don't wanna do anything. Well, I sure do!
I don't wanna pick up dog toys.
I don't wanna unload the dishwasher.
I don't wanna do laundry.
I don't wanna balance the checkbook.
I don't wanna call _____________.
I don't wanna exercise.
I don't wanna eat right.
I don't wanna go to work.
I don't wanna file paperwork.
I don't wanna cook dinner...again.
I don't wanna get out in the snow, rain, cold, heat, wind...take your pick!
...I don't wanna be happy today...
I think this last one is often, for me, what this is all about. I don't want to try to be happy today. I'd just like to wallow in the muck for today. Hold a pity party. Nurse my wounds. Refuse to smile. Refuse to even try.
Luckily, as a half-full type person, I don't live in this "I don't wanna" place too much. But I do visit. Sometimes I visit the land of "I don't wanna" on a daily basis. Sometimes a couple times a day. But I cant' live there, even if, in my heart, I really wanted to, and thankfully, in my heart, I don't really want to even visit there.
So...
I do what I can
I put on a happy face
I pull myself up by my bootstraps
I look on the bright side
I count my blessings
I stop to smell the roses
I remember those who are less fortunate
I think of all the starving children...
Sometimes, all it takes to pull me out of "I don't wanna" is watch my puppy play w/ my grandpuppy for a minute. Or open the door and take a breath, a really deep breath, of fresh air. Or text my kids that I love them. Or hug my husband. Or smile at a child, or an elder, or just a stranger. Sometimes it's noticing the robins are here, or the first bee of the season was loving on the flowers on the casket.
Sometimes it's just closing my eyes, giving heartfelt thanks, and then opening my eyes, putting a smile on my face, and doing exactly what "I don't wanna!"
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Let's talk about Fair
My Daughter wrote a Facebook post about Life's not Fair. And you know what, it's not. Not a bit. Not an incling, Not a whit. Why? I don't know. But it is so. Life is not fair!
Is it fair when your children are little and one struggles to learn to read when another learns before attending school? Is it fair when your son learns to ride his bike before his sister, who is older? Is it fair when a teacher grades your child on her "someday potential", not on her amazing "this moment"? Is it fair that the world says these is the rules of behavior when your child doesn't behave that way? Is it fair that my husband has a job and your husband just lost his? Is it fair that some girls have long legs AND beautiful skin? What is that "perfect girl" thinking isn't fair? Is it fair that my health is good and your's isn't? Nope, it's not!
But is it fair that I have unconditional love, from, and for, more than one person? Is it fair that I see the perfection that is my children, even if they don't see it? Is it fair that I live in a time when I can express myself without fear? Is it fair that I have friends who are so good, that even when they are hurting with their own trials, they can hold me up when I'm hurting? Is it fair that I know, beyond doubt, that I can do whatever is in front of me to do...no question?
Life's not fair, it just is. The less we compare ourselves to others, the better off we'll be. My hardship has nothing to do with anyone else's hardship. My joys don't either. We are all living each day the best we can. My hardhip, no matter how hard, no matter how long, no matter how big, is no less important than your hardship, no matter how hard or long or big! My joy, little or big, is not more or less important than your joy, little or big.
I always told my kids that I loved them with every breath I take. Not that I love one with one breath and the other with the next. But that I love EACH of them with EVERY breath. It's not about apportioning, it's not about allocating, it's not about fair. It's about infinite capacity. If I have the infinite capacity to refuse to compare my kids, or my life, to anyone else's kids or life, or even to each other, imagine our Heavenly Father's capacity to look at each of us, and our cares and circumstances as unique and important and completely separate from anothers life.
Life's not fair, but it's miraculous. Life's not fair, but it's interesting. Life's not fair, but I wouldn't want anyone else's life!
Is it fair when your children are little and one struggles to learn to read when another learns before attending school? Is it fair when your son learns to ride his bike before his sister, who is older? Is it fair when a teacher grades your child on her "someday potential", not on her amazing "this moment"? Is it fair that the world says these is the rules of behavior when your child doesn't behave that way? Is it fair that my husband has a job and your husband just lost his? Is it fair that some girls have long legs AND beautiful skin? What is that "perfect girl" thinking isn't fair? Is it fair that my health is good and your's isn't? Nope, it's not!
But is it fair that I have unconditional love, from, and for, more than one person? Is it fair that I see the perfection that is my children, even if they don't see it? Is it fair that I live in a time when I can express myself without fear? Is it fair that I have friends who are so good, that even when they are hurting with their own trials, they can hold me up when I'm hurting? Is it fair that I know, beyond doubt, that I can do whatever is in front of me to do...no question?
Life's not fair, it just is. The less we compare ourselves to others, the better off we'll be. My hardship has nothing to do with anyone else's hardship. My joys don't either. We are all living each day the best we can. My hardhip, no matter how hard, no matter how long, no matter how big, is no less important than your hardship, no matter how hard or long or big! My joy, little or big, is not more or less important than your joy, little or big.
I always told my kids that I loved them with every breath I take. Not that I love one with one breath and the other with the next. But that I love EACH of them with EVERY breath. It's not about apportioning, it's not about allocating, it's not about fair. It's about infinite capacity. If I have the infinite capacity to refuse to compare my kids, or my life, to anyone else's kids or life, or even to each other, imagine our Heavenly Father's capacity to look at each of us, and our cares and circumstances as unique and important and completely separate from anothers life.
Life's not fair, but it's miraculous. Life's not fair, but it's interesting. Life's not fair, but I wouldn't want anyone else's life!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Is there any sense in planning anything???
I remember when my kids were little how the best laid plans seem to dissolve into dust. I'd plan an outing, one would wake with a cold. I'd plan grocery shopping and one would melt down without a nap. So I became flexible...very flexible. I stopped even talking about getting a sitter to go out for a date night, because it would inevitably jinx it. Strep, sinus infection, bronchitis, something. So I planned without telling anyone. That way no one had ammunition to aim at my plan. I think many people thought I didn't make plans, just flowed through my days. I am naturally spontaneous. I'll never pass up a lunch invitation to finish the laundry. Movie, sure! Grocery shopping can wait. Mani-pedi, awesome, I can clean the house another day! But I actually make lots of plans. I've just become very adept at changing them, lots of times, every day!
I worked part-time as a nurse at a local hospital all through the kid's growing up years. Maybe 1-2 evenings per week. Wouldn't you know, I even was counseled for attendance issues, because I'll be darned, but wasn't it the day I was scheduled that one of the kids would be throwing up breakfast! I eventually went the agency route. I'd wait to schedule until the morning. Is everyone well? Is everything going along normally? OK, it's 10am, everything's quiet on the home front, I think it's safe to schedule to work at 3pm. Really, that's how I'd schedule. I wouldn't tell anyone except my hubby which day I was thinking I would work. That way no one could plan any shenanegans to mess me up!!
Apparently, my lot in life is to be flexible. I now have adult children, an independent husband and parents who are either taken care of, Dad's in a nursing home, or taking care of themselves, Mom still lives in the house where I grew up. But, I still can't plan anything, because something or someone is going to mess with it!!
Let's talk taking care of my daughter, during her treatments for leukemia. We're now almost 2/5 of the way through her chemotherapy treatment plan. We've discovered that, in the 4 week cycle of each chemo treatment, that she has fairly predictable needs.
Week 1 is chemo infusions. She feels mostly good through this week, has energy, has an immune system. I stayed with her this time, but don't think I'll need to be at her house the whole week 1 next round. That is, except that the med will be given in a different way. Her port will need to be flushed. Will need to teach her new husband how to do that. So I'll probably still be there... maybe...part of the time...see what I mean. Where's the plan??
Week 2 is the drop in the immune system. Still feeling pretty good, but not safe to be out and about much. So she's bored, and lonesome, and did I say bored? Her hubby is still in school, so he's home some, not home some, kind of predictable, kind of not, depending on projects, tests, blah, blah, blah. So I'll probably be there for most of week 2, because I can be, because she needs me.
Week 3 is really the danger week. Cell counts drop to the basement and she, so far, has needed multiple transfusions during week 3. This is the week where it is my duty, my calling, my desire to be with her, watch her and provide the safety net that I am uniquely, through education, experience, wisdom and sheer time availability, able to provide.
Week 4 is recovery week and she's mostly fine and mostly on her own!
Now comes the can't plan part. Sometimes lab draws are every day, sometime every other day. Sometimes her labs are fine, sometimes they are not. I've even begun to graph her cell counts so we can have some idea of when to expect her counts to fall, or recover as the case may be. Bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Thursday, nope, gotta change it, cuz her counts are crazy and she needs 3 units of blood on Wednesday. So reschedule the biopsy for Friday, after labs, unless her labs are still down, then we'll schedule for Monday, and on an on!
So I'm back to waking up in the morning, taking survey of the land and planning my next minute, or maybe 2!
I've always been amazed that people can plan things months in advance, vacations, dates, house projects, etc. Not me, I just want to be able to plan my next 5 minutes. Let's try that!!
I worked part-time as a nurse at a local hospital all through the kid's growing up years. Maybe 1-2 evenings per week. Wouldn't you know, I even was counseled for attendance issues, because I'll be darned, but wasn't it the day I was scheduled that one of the kids would be throwing up breakfast! I eventually went the agency route. I'd wait to schedule until the morning. Is everyone well? Is everything going along normally? OK, it's 10am, everything's quiet on the home front, I think it's safe to schedule to work at 3pm. Really, that's how I'd schedule. I wouldn't tell anyone except my hubby which day I was thinking I would work. That way no one could plan any shenanegans to mess me up!!
Apparently, my lot in life is to be flexible. I now have adult children, an independent husband and parents who are either taken care of, Dad's in a nursing home, or taking care of themselves, Mom still lives in the house where I grew up. But, I still can't plan anything, because something or someone is going to mess with it!!
Let's talk taking care of my daughter, during her treatments for leukemia. We're now almost 2/5 of the way through her chemotherapy treatment plan. We've discovered that, in the 4 week cycle of each chemo treatment, that she has fairly predictable needs.
Week 1 is chemo infusions. She feels mostly good through this week, has energy, has an immune system. I stayed with her this time, but don't think I'll need to be at her house the whole week 1 next round. That is, except that the med will be given in a different way. Her port will need to be flushed. Will need to teach her new husband how to do that. So I'll probably still be there... maybe...part of the time...see what I mean. Where's the plan??
Week 2 is the drop in the immune system. Still feeling pretty good, but not safe to be out and about much. So she's bored, and lonesome, and did I say bored? Her hubby is still in school, so he's home some, not home some, kind of predictable, kind of not, depending on projects, tests, blah, blah, blah. So I'll probably be there for most of week 2, because I can be, because she needs me.
Week 3 is really the danger week. Cell counts drop to the basement and she, so far, has needed multiple transfusions during week 3. This is the week where it is my duty, my calling, my desire to be with her, watch her and provide the safety net that I am uniquely, through education, experience, wisdom and sheer time availability, able to provide.
Week 4 is recovery week and she's mostly fine and mostly on her own!
Now comes the can't plan part. Sometimes lab draws are every day, sometime every other day. Sometimes her labs are fine, sometimes they are not. I've even begun to graph her cell counts so we can have some idea of when to expect her counts to fall, or recover as the case may be. Bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Thursday, nope, gotta change it, cuz her counts are crazy and she needs 3 units of blood on Wednesday. So reschedule the biopsy for Friday, after labs, unless her labs are still down, then we'll schedule for Monday, and on an on!
So I'm back to waking up in the morning, taking survey of the land and planning my next minute, or maybe 2!
I've always been amazed that people can plan things months in advance, vacations, dates, house projects, etc. Not me, I just want to be able to plan my next 5 minutes. Let's try that!!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Beginning
The Beginning.
Every story has a beginning. Or is it really the beginning? Some stories pick up the thread in the middle. This is one of those stories. The beginning is really the middle. Or some approximation thereof.
I live a charmed life, but not a perfect life. I live a blessed life, but not a worry-free life.
I have a husband of almost 27 years, 2 kids, a daughter and a son, a house, 2 dogs, you know the drill. But no white picket fence. I draw the line at white picket fences!
This is about what it means to be a Mom, to be a Wife, to be Everything to Everybody. Believe me the story doesn't end with a white picket fence.
My 24 year old daughter has leukemia. That very fact has changed the face of my existence. It has redefined what it means to have adult children. What "empty-nest" looks like from inside the nest!
In the space of a week, my daughter traveled the road from "I think I have mono," to the reality of leukemia. She has AML which "they" say is better than ALL as far as prognosis goes. To this Mom, a nurse by education and experience, it means my baby girl has Cancer with a capital C. In the space of a week, she went from blood work to confirm mononeucleosis, through a bone marrow biopsy, to a diagnosis of leukemia, surgical port placement, the start of chemotherapy and got married. No really, all that in 8 days!
But this is just the beginning of the story. This is not my daughter's story. We have a CaringBridge website to document her story. This is my story. The story of a Mom. The story of a Wife. The story of a woman who is Everything to Everybody. There are lots of us out there. The women who do it all because we can. The women who love fiercely, give generously and mostly do it with a smile. Note, I said "mostly?'' That means not always. I don't always give with grace. But I try, and isn't that the point, after all.
I not only have a daughter, but I have a son, trying to make his way in the world. I have a husband who loves me and whom I love. He is stretched, like I am stretched, and still we cling to each other. I have parents who are aging and in need and hanging on like there is still meaning in the holding on. I have siblings and friends. Coworkers and Employees. Young and old who look to me to "make it all better," to "fix it." I do what I can, laugh when I mess up, cry when I can't fix it.
Share my story with me. You'll recognize yourself in the story. It's the story of connection, humanity, joy, sorrow, struggle, triumph, life!
Every story has a beginning. Or is it really the beginning? Some stories pick up the thread in the middle. This is one of those stories. The beginning is really the middle. Or some approximation thereof.
I live a charmed life, but not a perfect life. I live a blessed life, but not a worry-free life.
I have a husband of almost 27 years, 2 kids, a daughter and a son, a house, 2 dogs, you know the drill. But no white picket fence. I draw the line at white picket fences!
This is about what it means to be a Mom, to be a Wife, to be Everything to Everybody. Believe me the story doesn't end with a white picket fence.
My 24 year old daughter has leukemia. That very fact has changed the face of my existence. It has redefined what it means to have adult children. What "empty-nest" looks like from inside the nest!
In the space of a week, my daughter traveled the road from "I think I have mono," to the reality of leukemia. She has AML which "they" say is better than ALL as far as prognosis goes. To this Mom, a nurse by education and experience, it means my baby girl has Cancer with a capital C. In the space of a week, she went from blood work to confirm mononeucleosis, through a bone marrow biopsy, to a diagnosis of leukemia, surgical port placement, the start of chemotherapy and got married. No really, all that in 8 days!
But this is just the beginning of the story. This is not my daughter's story. We have a CaringBridge website to document her story. This is my story. The story of a Mom. The story of a Wife. The story of a woman who is Everything to Everybody. There are lots of us out there. The women who do it all because we can. The women who love fiercely, give generously and mostly do it with a smile. Note, I said "mostly?'' That means not always. I don't always give with grace. But I try, and isn't that the point, after all.
I not only have a daughter, but I have a son, trying to make his way in the world. I have a husband who loves me and whom I love. He is stretched, like I am stretched, and still we cling to each other. I have parents who are aging and in need and hanging on like there is still meaning in the holding on. I have siblings and friends. Coworkers and Employees. Young and old who look to me to "make it all better," to "fix it." I do what I can, laugh when I mess up, cry when I can't fix it.
Share my story with me. You'll recognize yourself in the story. It's the story of connection, humanity, joy, sorrow, struggle, triumph, life!
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