Oh Honey, I love you so much. I think about how I loved your baby self and it's hard to believe I could love you more than I did then, but I do. I know that still and always, my heart sings when I hear your voice or see you walk into a room.
It's difficult to hold a single thought as I think about the last 25 years. There has been a whole lot of living and a whole lot of loving that's rolled through those years.
I think about your sweet round baby legs, the extra roll hiding inside the leg of your diaper. I remember when you reached teenagehood, marveling that those sweet little pudgy legs could possibly have grown into the hairy man legs you have now! I guess you'd look pretty silly as a grown man with fat baby legs!!
I remember so much of your young life in conjunction with your sister. Since you were only 17 months younger than she was, you 2 were basically a unit for a very long time. I couldn't let either one of you out of my sight, so you were together all the time. I distinctly remember, however, having you in the car by yourself when you were 2 or so. I didn't realize, until that drive, that you could talk! As in, full sentences, talk!! Because your sis did so very much talking, you just never had to. But once your voice was unleashed, wow!
And yet, you'd let her talk as much as she wanted. Remember, driving home from church? I'd ask you kids what you'd heard the priest say. You'd quietly sit there, making like you were thinking, and let her answer. And then you'd chime in with EXACTLY the same thing she said!!! You thought you were so sneaky. Sometimes, I'd hold her back and make you go first. Then the squirming would start!! Haha! But it did make you begin to pay attention, since you never knew when I would pull that on you!
I remember baseball and street hockey, but you always loved swimming best. Such a little fish. And your bike. I think you could ride a bike when you were 3! You always had such a natural body awareness and strength. And you, much like your Dad, just presumed you could do anything you decided you wanted to do...and then did it.
You also were always a natural leader, even as a little one. I think your innate confidence and sense of self allowed you to lead and made others comfortable in following. I was always thankful for your equally strong innate sense of goodness, of right and wrong. That part of you that is from Pops. I sure wouldn't have wanted to figure out how to redirect you, had you decided to lead a gang or something!
You're so smart! Math and science, philosophy. I've always loved your writing. Your written voice sounds so much like your spoken voice, I can picture you saying what you write. That is also true of your Marno. You must have gotten that from her. I think back to elementary school. A couple of teachers thinking you were behind. They just didn't know you were uninterested! Haha! I'll never forget sitting in that conference with teachers, the principal, the building resource teacher. The BR teacher talked about testing you and how it was going along fine and then you just kind of hit a wall and she didn't quite understand what had happened. I just laughed. I knew EXACTLY what had happened. You were done, over it, finished! She didn't understand, because you maintained your charm, politeness, wit, really your "presence", and she said that when children were done, they usually threw the equivalent of a tantrum. Not you!! You would never be disrespectful or angry or uncooperative, on the surface, but you just took over the session and took it your own way. I'm not sure, but I don't think I've ever been more proud of you than I was that day, knowing that you were you and perfect and great, and unwilling to just be what someone else wanted you to be, just for the sake of conforming.
I remember taking you for your first audition, Rumplestiltskin. You wanted to try out, because a friend of yours had done a Missoula Children's Theater production the year before. We were in a gym, with probably 50 kids and their mothers. In a giant circle. They taught you all one line, "and I'll spin, and I'll spin, and I'll spin your hair to gold." Each child, in turn, said the line. Some with shyness, some with boldness, some with the giggles. And then it was your turn. You didn't just say the line, you ACTED the line. I felt the hush in the gym, the attention of the kids and adults alike, and I knew I'd be at the gym every day for reversals because I knew YOU were Rumplestiltskin! You were gone. Your first love, from then on, would be the stage!
Next was Peter Pan, after our big move. I knew then, too, during the audition, that the part was yours. You were so nervous. And so worried because we were camping that weekend, and you were afraid, if you didn't answer the phone if the director called you to offer you a part, that they'd just go on to someone else. You didn't understand, she would have hunted you down. YOU were Peter Pan! We drove into a pay phone, so you could call our answering machine. And then you just had to call Marno to tell her! Joy, pure joy. Yours and mine!
Lots of shows later, you've chosen the theatre as your life's pursuit! Costumes. You still love the acting. I was more than delighted to see you back on stage in the Mikado last spring. Now you are making your mark at Yale!! YALE! And you still are not content to just do what everyone else is doing. You are going to make the program your own. You're going to make it work for you. And in the process, you are touching a system and making it better! Who would have thought a simple spreadsheet would be enlightening?!
You are cream, you realize that, don't you. Cream always rises to the top. It is the best, the brightest, the most sought after. It is the prize. You are a prize!!!
My dear, sweet son. I love you more than I can say! I love you more than my heart can hold! Remember, when your sister died, we talked about the fact that rather than the heart feeling like it had a hole, a missing piece, it really felt more like it was overflowing? A wellspring of love flowing out of the heart and filling the mind and body with the purity of love?
My heart overflows with love for you! I love you with every thought and every fiber of my being. I love you with every breath.
ILYEM!!
Mom
Beautifully said!!!
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